Random Short Story: A Conversation with God
Pete found God’s phone number on the internet while he was waiting in Purgatory. It was buried at the end of a long Reddit thread on “What took you way too long in life to figure out?” Pete needed that number because he had received a letter on Saturday morning that notified him he was scheduled to be sent to Hell on Friday. Obviously, this concerned Pete, but God’s call center wasn’t open until Monday morning at eight a.m., so Pete had to wait a nerve-wracking forty-eight hours before he could talk to someone about his situation.
On Monday at ten a.m. exactly (Pete didn’t want to look over-anxious by calling right away at eight) Pete called the phone number and after navigating his way through several complicated automated messages and yelling “operator” into the phone several times, he had his conversation with God.
(Phone calls may be recorded for training purposes.)
“This is God, can I help?” God sounded more chipper than Pete had expected.
“Yes, hi, I’m currently in Purgatory and received a notice that said I was scheduled to be sent to Hell this Friday. This doesn’t seem right. I was a good person for most of my life, so I was wondering if, maybe, you could look into this for me.”
“I can do that for you. Was there a reference number on the notice?”
“Let me check. Sorry, it’ll take me a second……here it is. Are you ready for the number?”
“Of course. I’m God.”
“Okay, the number is 4111517923.”
“Thank you. It’ll take me a second to pull it up in our system, can you hold?
“Yes.”
She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene
I said don’t mind, but what do you mean I am the one
Who will dance on the floor in the round
She said I am the one who will dance on the floor in the round
She told me her name was Billie Jean, as she caused a scene
Then every head turned with eyes that dreamed of being the one
Who will dance on the floor in the….
“Hello, thank you for holding. I have your account in front of me. Are you Peter Hutchinson?”
“Yes.”
“Peter Hutchinson, the son of Mary and Don Hutchinson of Bush Park?”
“Yes.”
“Perfect. How can I help exactly?”
“Well, like I said, I received this notice that I was due to be sent to Hell this Friday and I was wondering if there was a particular reason or if it might actually be some kind of mistake or something.”
“Okay, there are some notes on the account here.”
“Oh, brilliant. Thank you.”
“I see there’s an outstanding water bill from 1995 on the account in the amount of $229.96.”
“I’m being sent to Hell over an outstanding water bill?”
“From 1995. Yes, that is correct.”
“Are you sure about this? I’ve always paid my bills on time. I had a very good credit rating before I died. Perhaps there was another Peter Hutchinson who owes this amount.”
“Are you the Peter Hutchinson who pushed your brother Tommy down a hill when you were seven and he was five breaking his leg in the process?”
“That wasn’t my fault.”
“I’m afraid I do have the correct account, sir.”
“He pushed me first.”
“Would you like to set up a payment plan for the outstanding debt?”
“A payment plan? I’m dead. I don’t have any money.”
“Do you have any friends or relatives who could pay for you?”
“I don’t think so. They can’t hear me when I try talking to them.”
“They don’t hear you at all?”
“No. It’s kind of sad, really.”
“I see. Are they praying for your soul every night?”
“Honestly, I don’t come from a very religious family.”
“That may be a problem.”
“It is?”
“Yes. It is. Is there anybody else that could help with the payment plan?”
“I don’t think anybody has any money in Purgatory. They didn’t let us bring any when we came here.”
“I see. Well, is there anything else I can help you with?”
“Anything else? No, there’s not anything else.”
“Thank you for calling. I hope you have a nice day. Please don’t forget to fill out the online customer service survey…”
“No, wait. Wait. We’re not done yet, are we?”
“If you can’t set up a payment plan there’s not much I can do for you.”
“But what if it’s a mistake of some kind. What if I really don’t owe this money.”
“Oh, we don’t make mistakes here.”
“Well, maybe this one time it is. I mean it’s possible there’s an unpaid water bill, but maybe it’s not mine. I remember now. I was living on Arthur Road in 1995, my landlord was supposed to pay the water bill. I wasn’t responsible for it. He was.”
“I see.”
“If I can show he was responsible then you could remove the debt from my account and I could be sent to Heaven, right?”
“It is possible, yes.”
“I’m pretty sure I could find the lease somewhere. I always kept good records. I could find a copy of the lease and send it to you. That will show he was responsible. Do you have an email address or somewhere I can send the lease?”
“Unfortunately, Mr. Hutchinson, we can’t accept a lease as proof of responsibility.”
“What? Why not? It’s a legal document that controls who was responsible. It’s The legal document that controls who was responsible.”
“We don’t intervene in landlord-tenant disputes.”
“God doesn’t intervene in landlord-tenant disputes?”
“If you have him call us and take responsibility for the debt, we could put it on his account and zero out your balance. The process would take seven to ten business days. I could extend your stay in Purgatory while we do this.”
“I have to get him to tell you he is responsible.”
“Yes.”
“How is that any better than a lease? I could just get somebody to pretend to be him or even fake his voice and call in myself.”
“I’m God. I would know.”
“Then why don’t you know about the lease?”
“Because we don’t intervene in…”
“Landlord-tenant disputes. Got it.”
Pete was beginning to become frustrated with God.
“You see the problem is I don’t really know how to get in touch with him. I think he might be dead as well. Maybe he’s up there with you. Perhaps, it would be possible for you to find him and then he could….”
“I’m sorry, you will have to be the one to get in contact with him. We can’t contact individuals on behalf of clients for privacy reasons.”
“Privacy reasons?”
“Yes, privacy. I’m sure you understand.”
“I’m not sure I do. I mean, why can’t you contact him. What exactly do you do up there besides take phone calls.”
“There is no need for that tone, sir. If there is nothing else I can help you with I suggest….”
“Sorry. Sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude.”
“Well, you were, sir. Very rude.” God did not seem to be happy with Pete Hutchinson. The tone in his voice had changed from chipper to snippy.
“Maybe he’s in Hell and I’ll see him when I get there. He seemed like a nice guy, but if he screwed me on the water bill, maybe he screwed a whole bunch of others, too. If I find him in Hell and have him call you would it be possible to reverse the charges then?”
“Yes, that would be possible.”
“And I would get to go to Heaven.”
“No.”
“No?”
“Once you are sent down the decision is final. There are no transfers out of Hell.”
“Final? What, there’s no appeals process. That doesn’t seem fair.”
“Purgatory is the appeals process, sir. That’s why we sent you the notice. Now if there is nothing else?”
“Actually, there is. Would it be possible to look up his account? Maybe there was an error and the outstanding water payment is on both of our accounts.”
“You want me to look up your landlord’s account? I told you we don’t make mistakes.”
“But this is. This is a mistake. Honest. It would seem the fair thing to do.”
“The fair thing?”
“Yes, I thought you were concerned with fairness.”
“No. Not really.”
“But it’s not my bill. Honest. You can tell that I’m being honest, right?”
God hesitated before responding. His general tone had turned from snippy to exasperated. Peter sensed he may be close to a breakthrough.
“You want me to look up you landlord’s account?”
“Please.”
“What was your landlord’s name?”
“Jonathon Partridge.”
“There may be more than one Jonathon Partridge.”
“He lived above me when he was my landlord. It was a basement apartment. I lived at 552B Arthur Road. His address was 552 Arthur Road. That’s why he paid the water because his address was supposed to the only one that was billed.”
“It will take me a few seconds to pull up his account. Could you please hold once again?”
“Yes.”
… Days and forty nights
The law was on her side
But who can stand when she’s in demand
Her schemes and plans
Cause we danced on the floor in the round
So take my strong advice, just remember to always think twice
Do think twice
She told my baby we’d danced til three…
“This is God, can I help?”
“I was already being helped, you were looking up my landlord, Jonathon Partridge.”
“Oh, yes, sorry. Please hold again.”
Billie Jean is not my lover
She’s just a girl who claims I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She’s just a girl who claims I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son
She says..
“Thank you for holding.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I have pulled up Mr. Partridge’s account and I do see some notes here about this water bill. Apparently, he called about a similar issue seven years ago when he was sent to Hell.”
“I told you. What do the notes say?”
“Unfortunately, I can’t tell you.”
“You can’t tell me?”
“Since the notes are under Mr. Partridge’s account, I can only talk to him about them. If you had him call us or perhaps if you both called on the same line we could talk about both accounts and…”
“I can’t have him call you. We already went over this.”
“I see.”
“I really don’t understand. You have his notes there. You can read the notes on his account and those notes may clear up this situation, but you can’t actually tell me what those notes say or do anything with them.
“Unless Mr. Partridge calls…”
“Unless Mr. Partridge calls. That seems kind of absurd, don’t you think?”
“Not at all. We aren’t allowed to betray Mr. Partridge’s private correspondence, I’m sure you understand.”
“No, I don’t understand.”
“Mr. Hutchinson. If there are no other issues with your account then this call….”
“Is there someone else I can talk to?”
“Excuse me?
“Could I talk to a manager or a supervisor?”
“Mr. Hutchinson. There is no supervisor. I am God, there is no one above me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Now please I have other people who have legitimate concerns and I need to concentrate on those phone calls. If there is nothing else, please terminate this call.”
“You can’t hang up on me, can you?”
“Pardon?”
“For some reason you can’t just hang up on me. It’s in your rules or something. You need me to hang up first.”
“Yes, it is our policy not to hang up on our clients. I will not hang up on you, but that doesn’t mean there is anything I can do to help your situation.”
“I’m just going to stay on the phone forever and never hang up then.”
“Mr. Hutchinson, please be reasonable.”
“I am being reasonable! You’re the one who isn’t being reasonable. I demand you fix this injustice. I am not responsible for this water bill!”
“Mr. Hutchinson. Shouting at me will not help your situation. You are wasting my time. You are wasting your time….
“I have time to waste.”
“If you refuse to come to your senses then I will….”
“What? What can you do to me? You’re already sending me to Hell. What else can you possibly do to me? Torture me before sending me down to Hell. Well, that seems redundant, don’t you think?”
God let out a loud sigh.
“Very well. Let me look at your account one last time. Please hold.”
I’m gonna make a change
For once in my life
It’s gonna feel real good
Gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right
As I turn up the collar on my
Favourite winter coat
The wind is blowin my mind
I see the kids on the street
With not enough to eat
Who am I to be blind
Pretending not to see…
“Mr. Hutchinson?”
“Yes.”
“Thank you for waiting. I have placed a hold on your account for the time being. I suggest you call back next week and we will try to work out a solution to this problem at that time.
“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m very grateful.”
“You should be.”
Peter Hutchinson spent the happiest week in Purgatory that anybody had ever spent in Purgatory for the rest of the week.
And on Friday at 5 p.m. he was sent down to Hell.
Whether this was because God forgot to enter the hold on the three different screens he needed to type the instructions to place the hold on Peter’s record or whether God had merely fibbed to Peter, Peter would never know.