The Autobiography of Benjamin Abbott - Chapter 28: The End

Humphrey stayed on as Chairman and CEO of Landmark for the next 4 years. When he announced his retirement the notices in the trades, in all of the world’s press were glowing, (The Economist had a particularly flattering and floridly written profile) both for the work he had done while at Landmark and for the new philanthropic foundation he was setting up in his retirement. I must admit the first few months of our working relationship, after he appointed me Vice-President of Information Gathering, were a little rough. But after a quarter of good results in my division, the awkwardness started to go away, and after a second quarter of even better results we were as close as we’d ever been. We grew even closer over the remaining years before David’s retirement and a part of me would like to think he would have named me as his successor even without our little arrangement.

The handover ceremony was heart-warming. It was held outside on our new campus, which was located a few miles west of Shangri-La. In some ways, the ceremony felt like a graduation ceremony (and looked like one, too), but it was a graduation for one, everyone there, all of the reporters, celebrities, political leaders, business leaders, thought leaders, non-thought leaders, everyone was there for me, only me.

Angel was seated on the stage with the rest of Landmark’s executive team because she was our new Vice President of Client Relations. Fingers was on the stage as well, next to Angel, although he wasn’t as relaxed because he was our new Vice President of Security and Protocol. I promoted Debi, too, and she was in the row behind Angel and Fingers, bouncing young Benjamin Jr. on her knee (yes, she named him Benjamin after all, although I think a 3 and a half year-old was a little too old to be bouncing on her knee). Debi was now Vice-President of the division I can never remember the name of, the one she had spent all those late nights in her cubicle writing reports for that no one would ever read.

I offered Richard an executive post (I fired Paul and the rest of the mailroom, those asshole clowns, and automated Landmark’s mail system so no one would have to sort and re-sort and dissect and deliver and pick up the mail ever again.), he was going to be Vice-President of Communications, but with his typical sagacious wisdom he turned me down. He had a different request. So Landmark entered the casino business and Richard returned to his second love (I will always think that managing the mailroom is his first love). We built Richard a casino in Vegas and the most magnificent of showrooms and he reestablished himself as the world’s greatest magician and entertainer. Louie wasn’t invited to this particular ceremony for rather obvious reasons, however, like my predecessor I kept his services on retainer.

David was seated to my right as I stood at the podium. He was offset from everyone else, his chair, a throne, really, a giant gilded throne to let him survey all of those privileged few in attendance. I knew how much he liked looking down at everybody from his 178th floor office window and the throne was the closest approximation I could come up with. I opened my remarks by naming him Chairman Emeritus of Landmark. I think he was touched by the gesture. I even saw a few tears in his eyes, although not as many tears as he had at the premiere of the long-delayed much admired 11-time Oscar winner Sparkles and Timmy: The Emerging.

It’s been roughly two decades since that ceremony and in the that time I have grown and Landmark has grown (and the rest of the world has gotten smaller). One of my first acts as CEO was to negotiate a favorable merger with our main rival in entertainment, film and media. The industry was shrinking anyway, so it was important to consolidate and gain control of most of the cultural entertainments and newsgathering entities in the country. Once our forces were combined it wasn’t that difficult to marginalize (and eliminate) our other competitors, so we could focus on those areas of our business and the economy that were growing.

I suppose I was lucky to take control when I did. Even Napoleon, Mao, Genghis Khan, Margaret Thatcher, they all needed luck, too, and I was lucky to be in charge of such a dynamic powerful company just as the world’s economy was changing in a technological revolution and authoritarianism and conformity were becoming cool again.

The Handy Andy was a success beyond our wildest dreams, I don’t have to tell you that. We’ve reached a 98% market saturation by this point. It’s such an outstanding device, and the best part is that once it’s implanted you never need to buy a product from any other company ever again. It’d be ridiculous to have it surgically removed and replaced by an inferior model from an inferior corporation that can only offer you a fraction of our services (it’d be like replacing your left arm with your left leg) and we’ve broadened its applications so it can run your entire life: bank accounts, payments, GPS, lower brain functions, entrance to our theme parks, it’s made all of your lives so much easier and comfortable.

And the success of the Handy Andy gave us fantastic leverage when it came to our online competitors. I don’t know why the online world so neatly broke into 5 different monopolies, but once we tumbled 2 (okay, 3) of the 5 dominoes, the rest neatly fell into place and now we control nearly 91% of all online activity in the world, which I guess means we control 91% of your life.

Our market capitalization was over 50 trillion at that point (and it’s more than 3 times that now) and there was a country in western Europe that had a bit of trouble with loans. I was joking earlier when I had David buy a principality in Europe, but when this country got into trouble with its debt, it wasn’t a joke to me, it was a great opportunity for Landmark to step in and accept responsibility for those sovereign debt obligations. It was nice to own the cradle of Western Civilization.

Then a few years later the US Congress balked at paying its obligation of 22% of the United Nations operating budget, so we stepped in to fulfill that as well and got a Security Council seat. We’ve acquired the interests of a few other countries since and will hopefully have a majority stake in UN Security Council seats by the end of the decade. We think our dominance will help bring peace and stability to the world.

Sure, there’s been a few critics along the way, pesky voices that keep popping up to spout negativity and criticism, but we’re doing our best to make sure they don’t bother your pleasantly anodyne consumer experience or harm your self-esteem.

I know when I took this job, many of the other Landmark executives didn’t think it could be done, that a company couldn’t grow like we have, but they were thinking in the old Industrial Revolution way with its factories and stores that made and sold stuff, those physical albatrosses of an earlier age. They didn’t understand the new Technological Revolution like I did, how the atomization of society could serve our corporate needs, of the possibilities for interaction and control and social pressure in this new era. We don’t need to own all of the physical areas of life as long as we have the infrastructure, the brain of society. That’s where the money is to be made anyway. We’re so close to achieving David Humphrey’s dream of being a complete one-stop shop for all of your economic (and I guess any other) activity, and with your help we know we can get there.     

And I bet you didn’t believe me when I said I was going to take over the world. I am the way you see the world, the way you communicate with it, the way you feel it. All of your experiences our filtered through Landmark (and Landmark-affiliated) products. I own the entertainment you ceaselessly watch, the news that you read, the bank that owns your mortgage, the site where you bought your clothes and food, I own the thoughts in your head and the desires in your organs, I even own the device you’re looking at right now, whether it’s an old-fashioned book, a new techreader, or something that hasn’t even been invented yet. In short, I own you.

Now stopping reading this and get back to work.